I have always been the “good girl.” I was a cranky, crying baby with chronic ear infections, but once I outgrew that, I turned into the chronic “good girl.” I tried very hard to get along with others. I tried very hard not to cause problems for my parents. I may not have done my homework, but my teachers still said I was a joy to have in class. When my parents tell stories about me getting in trouble, it is about an episode in pre-school that I was too young to even remember. Being a “good girl” was never actually about doing good things, it was about not doing disruptive things. I have spent 35 years working hard not to offend others with my own pesky thoughts and opinions. Today, I realize that I cannot afford to be a “good girl” anymore.

This is not to say that I will now set out to be deliberately disruptive and difficult, though that may happen along the way. By shedding the “good girl” image, I intend to open my mouth when I see others spreading lies and fear. I intend to charge head first into difficult conversations rather than quietly saying such conversations are none of my business or not appropriate. I will use my voice until my vocal chords are raw and my fingers bleed from typing because it is the only way that I can be sure I have done enough.

I don’t want to just stand here and yell into the void, though. I want to have real conversations with real people. We all know the satisfaction that comes with posting a clever meme to facebook, but that satisfaction is short-lived, and that meme doesn’t actually help anyone understand anything. The world is a complex place populated with a whole lot of grey areas; a cute image with 8 words or less can never properly explain anything. The only way forward is to talk to one another, respectfully, until we understand each other.

There are some basic rules for having an open, mature conversation. First, facts are not a matter of opinion. There is reality, and reality is not up for debate. Second, facts cannot hurt your feelings. You may not like the way something is, and it may be possible to change what you don’t like, but when we talk about things we don’t like, it is not with the intent of inflicting emotional injury. Third, a conversation has 4 components: you may speak; I may speak; I must listen; you must listen. It isn’t a conversation if all parties aren’t listening. Listening doesn’t mean waiting until it is your turn to make a witty retort; listening means actually hearing and considering the words that someone else is saying. Conversations where people are actually listening may have moments of silence while people think about what they have just heard.

So, here goes. I’m going to speak my mind. I’m going to share information that I think is important. I’m going to engage in uncomfortable conversations. I fear the potential conflict. I fear losing friends. I know that my fears can’t possibly be worse than the feeling I had this morning of having failed to do enough.